Don’t Call Your Property Manager For THAT!

So if you’ve really been paying attention, you know that when I’m not relentlessly following my kids around taking their picture, watching Bravo, cooking pot roast or pondering infomercials, I actually do have a job. Crazy how I have time for all of that, huh?! I am a property manager and have been in the industry for almost ten years. (I started young and let’s not count, ok?) Anyhow, one thing that I’ve learned is that when people move into an apartment community, they seem to think that their property manager is an all-knowing and all-powerful being. While I appreciate the confidence that my residents seem to have in me (when they aren’t screaming at me or calling me an idiot), there really needs to be a line drawn in the sand when it comes to certain things. A lot of things, really. Here are a few:

“So, I moved out a month ago and seem to have left one thing behind. Ummm, it’s my wife. I moved out and she is still there, but she doesn’t work or have any money and can’t pay rent. I want to end my lease, so can you do me a favor and move her out?”

Ahhhh, nope. The two of you have signed a legally binding agreement that makes you both equally and severally liable for the rent… Blah, bah, blah. No! This is between you and your wife and you need to figure it out. Call a lawyer, call a counselor. Don’t call your property manager for THAT!

“My power is out! I have no power in my whole apartment and you better turn it on right now, or I’m going to start withholding rent!”

Alrighty. There are two likely scenarios that have taken place here. If you are calling the office and we have answered the phone, the chances are that you didn’t pay your bill. Oops! Might wanna get on that. Or, if you are calling and we aren’t answering, there is probably some type of power outage and we are in the same boat as you. Either way, call the electric company. Don’t call your property manager for THAT!

“I can hear my neighbors above me at night. In bed. You know… And they are loud!”

Ok, ok, ok. I get it. Think about how awkward you feel telling me about this dilemma and multiply that by 1,000,000 because that is how awkward I will feel having to call your neighbors to try to brooch that subject. Get some earplugs, an Enya CD or a white noise machine. Don’t call your property manager for THAT!

“Yeah, I was wondering if you serve a free daily continental breakfast?”

No, we actually don’t. I sometimes have a granola bar or a banana in my bag with me? But no continental spread for my entire property of 500 apartments. You can probably stay overnight in a number of hotels that will offer you some fruit and a basket of croissants in the lobby on your way out, but we don’t provide meals. There’s a Panera down the road that you could go to, but it would not be considered complimentary with your 12 month lease with us. Don’t call your property manager for THAT!

“I saw my neighbor petting a wild bunny and I told her to stop. She told me to mind my own business and go F myself! Can you have her arrested?”

Unfortunately, no. Call PETA, call Sarah McLachlan, call animal control or maybe just go back into your apartment and try not to think about the bunnies. Maybe they like being pet? Please don’t call your property manager for THAT!

“Yes, I wanted to ask if the people that clean the hallways also offer complimentary cleaning of the apartments?”

Hold on, didn’t you just call me a minute ago about the continental breakfast? You do know that you’re here for 12 months and not overnight, right? Ok, just checking. No! There’s a grocery store around the corner that sells cleaning supplies and an entire internet just waiting for you to google “house cleaner”. Don’t call your property manager for THAT!

“Ok, so I’ve been feeling weird for a little while, but haven’t said anything. Sometimes when I get home, I feel like someone has been in the apartment and sometimes when I am sleeping, I think that someone is watching me. Nobody has taken anything, though. My suspicions have been confirmed because the other day I noticed a little bit of brown powder in my sock drawer. I’m not sure how long it’s been there because I was wearing sandals on Saturday and maybe even on Friday, so I don’t know when I was last in my sock drawer. Anyway, I wanted to know if you have had any similar complaints or reports of break ins.”

Hahahahaha! Oh, wait… you’re serious? Well, no. We have not had any similar reports of criminals who break in and don’t take anything, but watch people while they sleep and leave tiny brown particles in sock drawers. Is this like the wet bandits from Home Alone, but with brown powder instead of an overflowing sink? We’ll keep an eye out! And if you truly think that someone has broken into your home, call the police. Maybe it’s time for a new dresser and you should call the furniture store. Just don’t call your property manager for THAT!

If you think that these two have been in your apartment, filling your sock drawer with brown powder, please don't call me.

If you think that these two have been in your apartment, filling your sock drawer with brown powder, please don’t call me.


14 thoughts on “Don’t Call Your Property Manager For THAT!

  1. Had to save this one so it’s available next time I need a good laugh. Definitely wins the award for most thoroughly amusing.

    Sent from my iPhone

  2. I feel like you should record those conversations when they come in-those are incredible. Also, should I call a property manager if I have a candy craving? I have those a lot…

  3. My neighbor is so loud. I can hear him in the bathroom all the time. I can’t tell if he is going to the bathroom or having sex. There are a lot of weird noises over there.

  4. Pingback: Six Months of Twos and Threes: A Retrospective | Two Three Or Not Two Three...

  5. Omg I’m dying this is too funny. We have been renting for 5 years now. I’m the person who never asks for anything but I think I might start asking. You never know hahahaha

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