Here I Am!

I’ve come to a realization. A recent one; and now I’m going to tell you what it is.

Since, oh I don’t know, November of 2009, I’ve asked myself the same question periodically in between thinking about work, the kids, tonight’s dinner and how many episodes of Bravo’s The Real Housewives Of [insert any city because I love them all] that I’ve missed. The question is this: “When will I start to feel like myself again?” I have to imagine that every woman who becomes a mom probably asks themself this same question. Am I wrong?

I guess I’ve been waiting for some magical moment where I will hear a *ting*, fairy dust will shower down upon me, I’ll pull back on my size 2’s, whip my hair around, freshen up my lip gloss and toss back a glass of wine. Probably all over Sex and The City reruns with my girlfriends. But the truth is I’ll never feel exactly how I felt before having kids. Because…  duh… I have kids. I have two little people that mean more to me than anything else in the world, whose wants and needs come before my own, who I think about day and night, would do anything for and who fill my life with absolute joy and love. I am forever changed because of them.

I was really lucky with two easy pregnancies, no real sickness to complain about, no cravings, I was tired, but not fatigued like a lot of people, no aches and pains, etc. But regardless of how good I felt, I definitely didn’t feel like myself. I was growing a tiny human inside me. The tiny human was making me gain weight, have to pee all the time and making it nearly impossible to shave. And don’t even get me started on my swollen feet. Once I got the tiny human out, I reached a whole new level of not feeling like myself. I had a really tough delivery with PR and after she was born I couldn’t even shower on my own, I was bleeding all over the place, I had a catheter for a week and within a couple of days, my boobs were out of control. Anyone who has nursed will know what this means. If you haven’t nursed, just imagine feeling like someone shoved two full water balloons in your chest, your skin is stretching over them, your veins are popping out, oh and they are in excruciating pain. Sounds fun, right?! (Hey – New Mom! It does get better, I promise!) I thought, “Ok, I can deal with this. I’ll be back to my old self once I’m done nursing.”

So we fast forward a year and on PR’s first birthday, I was done nursing! For a minute… Because now I was pregnant again with LB. Another easy pregnancy and a much easier delivery which I recovered from quickly. “Alright. It’s ok. I’ll be myself again once I’m done nursing this baby.”

Now we fast forward two years and one month to when I was finally done nursing LB. I started wondering more often when it would happen. When would that magical moment happen? “Why don’t I feel like myself yet?” But I have now realized that it’s a crazy thought. I used to wake up at 4am to get to the gym by 4:30, get in a 2 hour workout, come home and take a leisurely 2 hours getting ready, have breakfast, drink coffee and watch The Today Show. That’s not my life anymore. I don’t care about putting on makeup in the morning or putting a lot of thought into what accessories go best with my outfit. And is The Today Show still on? I know that Regis is not drinking coffee with Kelly anymore, so who knows what is possible. As we know, I’m just happy with some mascara and a ponytail. I’d rather get a few extra minutes of sleep because chances are, I was up at some point of the night with one of the girls. I don’t have the time to run 8 miles every day because spending time with my kids is more important to me. And once they are in bed, there are only a very few hours to hang out with OB and pretend to be adults. Plus I have to come up with things to write about for you guys!!

I know that as the girls get older they will need me less and less and maybe I’ll have more time for myself, or maybe I’ll have less time because I’ll be chauffeuring them from school, to friends’ houses, to sports or dance or whatever they choose to be involved in, to birthday parties and all other crazy things that kids like to do. But I feel better now that I have had my realization. I’ve been myself this whole time, I guess it just took a little time for me to recognize the new me. Here I am!

kissing LB

Mascara and a ponytail. My signature look.

5 thoughts on “Here I Am!

  1. You are a stunner!

    I feel the same way. I still wait for that moment when I’ll feel like myself again, but then I realize…I don’t want to be the person I was before I had kids. I was immature and irresponsible. I let my dreams slip away and didn’t focus on any of the things I wanted. Now? I’m still immature but I’m at least responsible and I’m chasing my dreams (of both writing and having my own business), and I’m a lot better at focusing. Plus my boys have enriched my life and I’m constantly trying to be a better version of myself for them!

    (P.s. speaking of following dreams…if you could like my Facebook Author page, that’d be great! It’s http://facebook.com/jcahannigan ..thanks! )

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