The dirty, ugly truth… That’s what I’m giving you today. I’m about to break down some common things (lies) that people may say to you as a new or expectant mom. I’m gonna let you know who might be saying these things to you and most importantly, what they really should be saying. Get ready for some truth!
Make sure that you rest up now, because once the baby comes… well, there’s no time for that!
Who says this: The woman behind you in line at Target, a crazy co-worker, a customer at work.
Truth: Newsflash – sleep isn’t something that you can stock up on like pasta sauce or boxes of K-cups. Even if you slept for the entire 40 weeks of your pregnancy, you’d still be tired after a couple nights of being up every two hours with your baby. So go ahead and get wild. No need to sleep the pregnancy away. You’re basically destined to be a mombie whether or not you ended up getting your 8 straight for the past 9 months.
Oh, don’t worry about sleep! You’ll sleep when the baby sleeps.
Who says this: Your friend who has never had a baby, the woman you used to nanny for (ahem…she had a nanny and could sleep whenever she darn-well wanted to), the perky girl behind the register at A Pea in the Pod.
Truth: Hahahahahaha! While this is pretty much the opposite of what was said above, it is still inherently untrue and impossible. Unless you do have live-in help. When the baby sleeps, you will be enjoying luxuries such as showering, vacuuming, emptying the dishwasher, preparing meals, or spending time with your other child or children if you have them. Once in a while, yes, knock yourself out and sleep when the baby sleeps. But trust me when I tell you, the baby wipe that you used to clean the spitup off of your shoulder an hour ago is not cutting it. Get in that shower!
Birth – it’s so beautiful!
Who says this: Anyone who has had a few years to cloud the memory of what really happens while delivering a baby.
Truth: Ok yes, there is truth to this. There is nothing more beautiful than a mother meeting her long-awaited baby for the first time, but know this – it comes with other not-so-beautiful side effects. There is a lot of other stuff that comes out of you when pushing that baby out. A lot. Here is some free advice: Try to keep anyone who is in the room with you during delivery up by your head looking down and not down in your business looking up. What goes on down there should only be seen by someone who attended years of medical school preparing themselves for this specific situation. And if the doctor offers you a mirror to see the baby’s head as you are pushing, get a new doctor. Because that one is crazy. Or evil. And if you are planning on having visitors right away, anyone coming to see you and the baby in the delivery room, make sure that you have brought some type of air freshener or scented something with you. Trust me, you can thank me later.
You’re a natural! Once you get the baby home, you will know exactly what to do!
Who says this: The nurse who is discharging you from the hospital or the instructor of your childbirth preparedness class.
Truth: False. You will get home and put the baby down in the middle of the kitchen floor, still in the infant seat. You will then carefully sit down on the kitchen floor and stare at the infant seat and the baby wondering just what to do next. Eventually you will take the baby out, mainly because you have the new-mom-constantly-checking-to-see-if-baby-is-still-breathing thing going on. Then you’ll move the party somewhere more comfortable and sit down, holding the baby, unable to do anything else. Pretty soon your husband will order takeout and the baby will wake up crying once you try to take your first bite. You and your husband will then stare at each other, wondering exactly what to do.
After having a baby, it’s possible that you could lose some of your hair.
Who says this: This could come from a sister or cousin that’s been googling pregnancy, your hairdresser, or any other random liar that you may come across.
Truth: You will lose so much hair that you will start looking up wig shops. It’s a wonder that you aren’t bald because the shower, bathroom floor, sink and your baby are all covered in your hair. After a couple of months, your shower drain will no longer work and your poor husband will pull a 6 ft hair monster out of the drain. This may have grossed him out at one time, but he was in the room when you gave birth and after seeing that amount of bodily fluids all in one place, a 6 ft hair monster is par for the course. Don’t fret though, it will grow back! And have fun styling all those little baby hairs as they are coming in. You should be fully prepared for years of hair weirdness to overcome. Embrace it.
So there you have it – five truths revealed. Maybe there is some secret club of moms who think it’s funny to spread these preposterous notions, but luckily for you I am not one of them. Everyone deserves to know the truth!