1. Bravo has a lot of housewives. Seriously. There are so many in countless cities and I need to keep up with all of their goings on. I mean… whether they are getting a new plastic surgery, sticking with the fact that they have never had plastic surgery (while they curiously can’t stop looking surprised because they are unable to move their eyebrows), they might be starting a shoe line which they refer to as their “baby” which is confusing because they usually refer to their tiny dog as their “baby”, but never refer to their actual baby at all, or they could be bashing their best friend’s shoe line, hair line, nose job, whatever. They might be getting a divorce, going to marriage counseling, planning a wedding, planning a party (a white party, a pool party, a Beverly Hills winter wonderland party, a pole dancing party, the possibilities are endless really), planning a group vacation, writing a book (a cookbook, a memoir, a tell-all, an advice book), sending mean tweets, denying they sent mean tweets, whatever – you get it. The point is that it is impossible to get a healthy meal cooked and onto the table when you get home after 5:00 and you try to get your kids to bed by 8:00. The only option is to cook at night when the kids are asleep so that you are ready for the next day. But how can I keep up with my housewives when I am stuck in the kitchen instead of watching Bravo? Answer: I can’t.
2. Raw meat = B.O.G.U.S.
3. My time is valuable. I don’t have 5 to 8 hours to waste preparing and cooking a pot roast that ends up belonging in one of two places: 1. the trash or 2. used in the house that the 3rd little piggy built (because it turned into a brick – get it?).
4. No matter how many times I post on Facebook that I need a sister wife or two, I still haven’t found any! Am I the only one watching Big Love or Sister Wives thinking that it’s all around a pretty sweet gig? There is always a wife that stays home and gets the meals on the table. Listen, if I need to button my shirt all the way up to the top, throw on a floor-length tan skirt and wear an abnormally long braid with a pouf at the top to get some help around here, it seems like a small price to pay.
5. As much as my walls still need to be decorated (I have a strange aversion to decorating my house, and my last apartment, and the apartment before that…), that decoration should not include tiny crayon drawings about 2 to 3 ft. above the floor. Because once I turn my back on the kids, they take it as an open invitation to do anything that they want. And if you think that you’ve outsmarted them by putting on a movie that they seem to be engrossed in, just wait until you leave the room. First stop, Mommy’s purse. They can take all of my money and credit cards out and hide everything inside a different toy before I’ve even finished rinsing my produce!
6. I’m not sure if this is a reason, or more of a question. I need to know if Rachael Ray seriously believes that her meals can be made in 30 minutes. Her recipes take me no less than 2 hours. You know what I can cook in 30 minutes? A box of mac and cheese. Until she comes to my house to prove it, i will refer to her “30 minute meals” as just “meals”.
This list could go on and on. The bottom line is this; a personal chef would make my life easier and if anyone has an extra one lying around or anything, I’ll be happy to take them off your hands.